Which to bury?

I have nearly had enough. Stubbornness, rudeness, quarreling, bickering, I don't need added stress to my life. I don't need this. I don't need you right now. You think you've come so far. You think you've done all these wonderful things. Who am I to judge you though? Who am I to bring up all the things you've done and still do "wrong?" I am no better. I am guilty of the same "crimes" as you. I am just as bad as you. I spend my money, I eat out. I argue back. I roll my eyes. I think I've changed. You get the idea. But I really don't want to deal with you. I really am tired of excuses and cancellations. The world does not revolve around you nor does it revolve around me. We both need to figure that out and take it and run with it. Run towards love and acceptance, not away from it. Trust in God as he does his perfecting work. Which he will do and is always doing because he cares for us both equally. However, just because he loves me and you the same does not mean I have to like you right now.

Why can't we all, all just be honest?

Spilling my guts out via cyberspace mail could not have come at a worse time. It just happened to come out of me mere days before a mutual friend died. Why couldn't I have done it earlier, or waited way later? I guess these things all happen for some sort of reason. Reasons unknown to me and everyone else involved.

Why is it a 24 year old girl full of life and love suddenly died in her hostel of "natural causes?" Why did it have to be in that city where the taliban just swooped upon? Perhaps she was going to experience far more terrifying things and so God prevented that. I wish I could just take a glimpse into God's reasoning. But then where would my faith be?

It's hard waiting for answers. Waiting for e-mails. Waiting for autopsy results.

Work seems meaningless right now, as does spending money on anything. I don't know where I am right now. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally, financially, musically. However, things are changing. Things are happening. Maybe I don't know where I am because I have always been somewhere I don't belong and now I am finally moving into a place where I was always supposed to exist. "You have found this place where you belong." That's what a prophetic guy from Canada said to me in India. At the time I thought he was talking about India, and at the time I didn't want to belong there. In hindsight, I know I belong there for a while but also know that he didn't mean India specifically. I think he was speaking of a different plane. I found that balance of all things in my life, perhaps not being exactly right, but all heading towards the right direction. Which is where I always should be--heading the right direction.

Somehow, of all the new music I have received and purchased lately, I cannot stop listening to Lily Allen's new album. It shows that she has grown up a lot. Musically and emotionally. It's inspiring to me. Her first album was quite awhile ago, but it really does take time to grow up, to mature, to figure out who you are. I may not be writing many songs right now, but I cannot wait until I figure out myself and my Creator a little bit more, then I'll be unstoppable!

Life is hard most of the time. But I will rejoice! I know the truth. I am light. I am salt. I am loved. I am forgiven. I have a seal. I know where I belong. The trouble is getting there. Fortunately, I have the greatest help this world has ever known.

Today! Today, I live for one thing

I feel as if there is suppressed creativity welling up inside of me. I am itching to write a song, write a blog, write a letter, record music, but every time I pick up a guitar or sit down at the computer or a piece of paper my motivation and desire leaves me completely. My energy has left me months ago and I don't know when it plans on returning to my unloving arms. I'm just shuffling through this life. I am not living for any purposes right now. I need something to live for. Perhaps it's time to take a little trip down memory lane and see how far I've come and decide to keep going instead of standing still or going backwards. I am a woman who is set in her ways and judgmental of people's opinions and tastes in music. Sometimes I think I'm open minded, but I don't think I'm that welcoming of others' thoughts or opinions almost at all.

I can say that I realized some things last night at Starbucks with two very dear friends of mine:

1. I love one of them more and more each time I see them, and when they share problems and dilemmas of life with me, even though I don't know what to say to her, I feel this immense love for her flowing throughout every part of my physical body and mental mind. I mean her life is aweful right now, at least she doesn't know what to do and I don't know what to tell her, but I love her more even now as I am typing this. She is wonderful and always has been, and no matter what she thinks about herself, she is so so so so strong and has come such a long way from our first moments together. I deserted her once, and I will never do that again.

2. My other friend, who has good intentions, doesn't always encourage people to change in the most loving way. That's just the way she is, and she always has been since I've known her. In fact I sometimes avoid telling her my struggles because I know exactly how she'll try to get me to change my negative attitude. I always eventually tell her everything, but it's hard to do it when it's actually happening. I also love this woman more and more as she changes and matures into a wonderful woman who loves God with all her heart. It's been fun seeing her go from skeptical/follower to passionate/leader.

3. With these two ladies I was completely content even though the situation was uncomfortable and solemn. I got the feeling I only get when looking back at pictures from India, or when I first see an old friend's face on skype, or when I see a small child very well behaved, or when I see an elderly couple walking together or holding hands. It's the same feeling I think Jesus felt when he looked at everyone. The pharisees, the ones he called whitewashed tombs, the lepers, the tax-collectors, the Jews, the poor, the rich, men, women, children. I think Jesus felt this love for every one he encountered. I mean he washed Judas' feet and he knew Judas would betray him. I want to love like he loved and that's all I want to do.

That is all I ever want to do.

Foolish Love

The Ugly Truth, huh? You want the ugly truth? I think I'm leading on a man who has no chance with me. Well, maybe a slight chance, but I always come back to the same conclusion: not gonna happen. Sure he cut his hair. Sure maybe he'll look gorgeous like usual, even more so because of his hair. I don't know yet. I won't skype until I wake up in the morning. I'll still have sleep in my eyes and he'll have had all day to look good. It will be an uneven match which I am okay with because I don't need him falling more in love with me. I need him to forget about me. I need those little versions of himself in his brain to shred all memories with me so that he is not hurt. I don't like the idea of causing him pain, and I don't like the idea of sharing the ugly truth with someone else. Maybe Emily was right, I just need to jump off of this ledge I have been standing on since my second day in India. If not soon, then I'll never jump and why not jump? I have but one life to live. I don't want to live it as a coward. I want to drink it, smell it, taste it, hear it, feel it, sleep it, breathe it. I do think it's too soon to jump off this ledge. We'll just have to play by ear and see how this phone conversation goes tomorrow.

Why must being human be so complex?

I am not my own, for I have been made knew

Couldn't I just give away all "my" possessions? Couldn't I just walk everywhere and sleep anywhere? Do I really need money to live in this country? Am I really expected to give money to every Man I come across? There is more than one, oh yes. There are a lot of Men. I want to share with the world that "The Man" has brothers, partners if you will, in his crime of bringing people down. I don't want to owe anything to anyone. That's my ultimate goal. I kind of want to just wander around the world with nothing to my name. I don't even need a name. I could fake my death and start over somewhere else as my real self. The girl no one has ever seen or known, except the One being who created me and knows me through and through. I think I need human beings to be satisfied, but I don't. I know I am created as a relational creature, however the thought of being relational with anyone right now makes me shudder. Don't get me wrong, I love people, but right now Most People is on my last nerve. I have to go to work tomorrow and see Most People. I have to come home and see Most People. I have to wake up and see Most People. Everywhere I go Most People is following me.

Release me from this inward focus. Teach me to be content in every situation as Paul was. I need to eat of the fruit and mostly I need to give out the fruit. But right now everything has gone horribly askew and even my feet have fallen asleep. Can anything go right today? Anything? Bueller? Bueller?

Something is not right with me

I need you to invade every known and unknown aspect of my life. I do not even want to be able to breathe without thinking of you. I am asking that you speed up time when I cannot be with you completely so that you come quicker to my mind and my heart. And that you slow down time when I am engaged in you so that you dwell in my mind and my heart longer. Tomorrow it begins. If I write it down for some to see, I have to do it. I want to do it. Everything I am is yours. After all, you created me.

I realize I was acting all wrong

Men never cease to amaze me. Just when you think they are thick headed and would never even think anything they did was wrong, they surprise you and do something like call you in the middle of the night because they cannot wait any longer. Wait for what you are dying to ask me? He couldn't wait any longer to apologize to me. To admit to hurting me. That is a man if you ask me. A real man.