It feels so unnatural, Peter Gabriel too.

I feel so unnatural right now. Something is going on in my mind or heart or something and I can't put my finger on it. It most likely has to do with a lot of little things. The fact that it snowed all day today, or the fact that I have to clean up after this cat all week, or the fact that I can't ever stop eating, or the fact that I have no one to talk to anymore, or the fact that I started watching Felicity, or the fact that I don't have a boyfriend, or the fact that I haven't read the Bible in a week, or the fact that I don't have a "church" that feels like home, or the fact that I have yet to hear back from India, or the fact that I got my period today, or the fact that I miss living with my family, or the fact that I don't know what I'm going to do with my life, or the fact that I don't have health insurance, or the fact that I have barely enough money to pay my bills, or the fact that I have to practice for my band's cd release party this Saturday, or the fact that I don't want to be a nanny anymore, or the fact that I want to write a song but can't, or the fact that I don't look good in a bikini. All these things and more are contributing to this minor depression.

Sometimes I never want to eat again, but when the time comes to actually stop from putting something in my mouth I just have to do it! Then I don't stop. Sometimes I want to start running and never stop, but I eventually get tired, and right now I am not strong enough to do that anyway. Sometimes I wish I could buy a plane ticket somewhere. A one-way ticket. If I don't hear back from India that's what I'm going to do.

Here I am, laying in bed and what did I accomplish today? Nothing. I watched Felicity all day. I fed the cat when I was supposed to. I drove to my nanny family and let their dog out when I was supposed to, and that's it.

Last night I dreamt I was getting along so well with someone. Someone I do get along real well with, but it was different. It was like they loved me. Really loved me. They looked at me with those eyes. That look of pure love. Not "I love you and want to marry you" love, but true love. Like the way I think Jesus would look at me if he were laying here in bed right next to me. It was an incredible dream. The kind of dream you love to have, yet hate all at the same time because when you wake up you know it's not real...but you wish so much that it was.

It's time to take these socks off. I really am pathetic. If you didn't know that, I'm telling you right now.

I think God isn't good enough for me sometimes, well most of the time. I'm so sorry for that. God should be all that I need, but I don't put Him in that position in my life very often. If at all. Something needs to change. My attitude. My heart needs to be more guarded. My mindset needs to change.

I am not the center of this universe.

would you ever be my, would you be my fucking boyfriend?

It is hard sometimes in this world to be alone. By "alone" I mean "single." I know that I am not alone. I am never without a Savior, I am never without family, and I am never without friends. I keep hoping that if I become good enough friends with someone they'll fall in love with me. I keep hoping if I lose enough weight they'll want to pursue me. It always comes down to them. I wish so much that it didn't. So long I have desired confidence and apathy towards being in a relationship. I should really never hang out with them alone. It only seems to make me want it more. Being with him today was wonderful. I even enjoyed hearing a story about a girl who was probably way more beautiful than I am. It is a little disheartening to realize I am not going to be pursued here, but that's what I need. Especially right now. I need no distractions even though I feel like I'd have less of those if I were in a relationship. Then I wouldn't have to worry about all those "if"s. It is stupid that being "taken" would give me more confidence and self-esteem. Why is God not good enough for me?

This winter is taking too long to go away. It's destroying my life. I just want to run and never stop. I want to run away from my job and away from my bills and away from this heartache my life is turning out to be. I wish my soul-mate wasn't on the other side of this messed up world. Sometimes I feel like I am trapped and there is no way to escape it. Like in those zombie movies where you're in a room with one door and the living dead are coming through that door. They're coming slowly, but there really is no way out. You're just going to get eaten alive and then even worse, turn into one of them. I think that I have been one of them for so long though. I have just been in denial of it.

I am in turmoil here. My life is seeming to be a tragedy. Hopefully a beautiful one, but never seeming like it. It's hard not knowing what's in store for me. I am always praying I'll get a glimpse of my future in my dreams, but that has yet to happen. I guess even if it did happen I would just think it's another one of my nonsensical dreams. Who knows, perhaps I've been shown hundreds of times glimpses of my future.

I thought it would be easier knowing God has someone for me, but things are just as hard as they were before I knew I wouldn't end up alone...eventually.

The kids don't stand a chance

You never realize how ignorant people are until it affects someone you love. It's no wonder people of other nationalities and countries hate "Americans". We really are ignorant. People in this country are so quick to judge people that commit crimes, have no home, or have addictions. It's like we're better than people who do these things. We're all for peace in the Middle East, but we have chaos at home. We try so hard to fix things in this world. Why aren't we trying to fix our own country? Where do these deep roots of hatred, ignorance, racism, and elitism come from? It seems easy for me to love criminals, but it's hard for me to love the people that hate criminals and judge criminals and talk so harshly towards them. Like they know anything about them besides the crime they committed!

Ugh. I don't want to talk about that. It only gets me upset.

Since I can't stop eating anything, ever. I have decided that I will only eat fruits and veggies for a bit. It's okay if I fill myself up on these. It's actually kind of refreshing knowing I'm only putting plants in my body. I had a major head ache yesterday probably from withdrawal of caffeine and chocolate. Mostly Chocolate. That's the only hard thing to abstain from. Chocolate. I also want to start a simple lifestyle, so this is my preparation for that as well. I want to spend less money. Eat less food. Be more active. Drive my car less. No entertainment spending. I feel like my diet now has to be affecting my life and my emotions and my sleep and probably the way I interact with my kids. I am praying this lifestyle change will do just that. Change my life. Forever!

In other news, there is no other news! I have no exciting things going on right now. It's a little disheartening, sure, but I don't always need exciting things going on in my life.

Oh! Here's some "other news". No Country For Old Men doesn't make any sense whatsoever.

Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money

Money is the root of all evil. No joke!

I have certain things coming up I must pay for. You know, like my tabs have expired so I need $103.50 for them. Also, I need to pay my car insurance $76 before the 15th or my insurance is kaput... I don't know how this happened. Rent is due today. There goes $420. I am regretting moving into an apartment. I can't leave now. Why is it so hard for me to not eat out? It's one of the hardest things for me to give up! I must do it though. I must. I must also stop eating so much. It's hard for me to stop. I eat and eat and eat and now I'm getting fatter. I'm just going to say it. Don't throw me a pity party. I know i'm not a fat person, but I'm on my way! It's just hard for me to not eat sweets. I love them way too much! It's ridiculous. Lord, take away my sweet tooth please or give me incredible metabolism!

I think my love language that I use on others is gifts. I get so much joy out of making things for people. CDs, cards, paintings, books, journals, collages, even writing songs! It's what I love to do. Create for others.

Any day now I should hear from India whether or not I've been accepted into this school of theirs. I'm a little anxious. A little excited. A little nervous. It's nerve wracking waiting around to be told if you can go somewhere or not. Not that I couldn't go to India if I wasn't accepted. I just couldn't go to this school. A whole lot of other money issues arise when I start talking about this too, so I will stop now.

I'm deciding if I should wait for my sleepy headed roommate to wake up to eat breakfast or just eat it now alone. I hope she wakes up soon.

Pray for me. Everything. I feel like cutting myself off from people. I hate that feeling. I feel like running and never stopping. I love that feeling, but it's cold and snowy outside.

I'm a broken heart, I'm a broken heart, I'm a broken heart...

I feel somewhat left out suddenly today because everyone around me has graduated from college and I have yet to attend. They say all these big words and explain things in somewhat disheartening ways. Confusing ways. Ways that are not necessarily hard for me to understand, but hard for me to share my thoughts because I feel like they're not "big" enough or they're not "smart" enough or they don't make sense until I throw in words like "mutually inclusive" or "tumultuous" which I have no clue as to an understanding of these words/phrases.

Now, I know these thoughts are from the enemy, so I must rebuke them and I feel like it all comes back to my identity. I think I've been running from my true identity for so long that I forgot how to get back to where I started. Am I actually looking for the beginning or something I haven't found yet? For so long I've seen myself as damaged goods. What kind of life have I lived to think that about myself? I sometimes wonder why God puts certain people in my life because all they are is close-minded and they only make me feel small and like my opinions do not matter, and so because of this handful of people who make me feel this way I am not quick to share my thoughts and opinions on deep issues because I've only known pain to come out of those situations in the past. I wish my past didn't shape my future, but that is pretty much impossible to change. Let down, after let down, after let down make me not want to have any expectations set on relationships.

God is doing a mighty work within. He is revealing truth to our generation in mighty, awesome ways, and I am so excited to be apart of this movement and this fresh way of living life for Him in intentional, organic community. I am sad that my old friends haven't been apart of it. I am sad that my new friends aren't seeing the real me.

This morning a girl I had never seen or met before shared her struggle with depression. We laid hands on her and prayed for her and then after that all day I felt depressed! I am just now realizing that perhaps this is intercession. She told me she felt peace today. I am feeling so quiet and broken hearted...for no reason at all! If it's not intercession, I don't know what it is. It's one of those things where I don't know if Satan is attacking or God is very present in this. It could be both! It could be God. he is always present in my life! How do I know which one it is? Attack or intercession?

I Want the Whole Enchilada

House church. Why should we do it? How do we do it? What does it look like? When does it happen?

Satan is attacking my finances.
God is good. He is providing in amazing ways and fixing things quickly. Mostly God is encouraging. I need encouragement. He knows this because He knows me.
Thank you Lord for knowing me.

Last night was a Love Feast. It was great! I was able to just relax and know that my friends love and support me. Even though I feel like a balloon...which is ridiculous in and of itself...I felt like they don't even care what I look like.

Lord, help me stick to my work out regimen i have developed for myself. I long to live a healthier, more simple life.

Most of the time I am random, and most of the time I like it.

Can I just announce to all the world that I love Kimberly Joy Ajamiseba? Sheeriously. I wish she were here or I was there. One day I feel like we'll live in close proximity of each other. I hope my feeling is right.

I rejoice in this Divine Romance

Upon realization that two of my friends have started a relationship with each other that was not happening last weekend, but now is clearly going on, I have been thinking tonight a lot about my past relationships. How they never lasted very long because I was quick to jump into them. They were all about happy, euphoric feelings. Mostly feelings of acceptance. Finally someone, a guy, thought I was beautiful. Finally a guy thought I was amazing. Finally a guy wanted to spend time with me. Finally a guy wanted to say that I was his girlfriend. Boy, oh boy, I don't know how people can do that for long periods of time! I feel like I jumped into something with someone I didn't even know. Once I really got to know them, realizing this was not the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, I said good-bye and pretty much never talked to them again. Even though at first we had a wonderful friendship. A fun friendship. There is one of my past boyfriends I wish I talked to still and I wish I could hang out with still. He was a great guy. A fun guy. A musician guy. He was funny and I miss adventures with him. I miss being silly with him. I in no way want to date him again, I just wish our friendship wasn't ruined because of "feelings".

Now, seeing two friends who a week ago barely touched eachother and now are holding hands, I am wondering who would want me? Not that I feel like no one will want to pursue me, but I feel like who's going to take on this challenge? Who out there is brave enough and motivated enough to pursue this woman who takes months to give you a hug let alone hold hands. This woman who perhaps seems confident on the outside and has even been known to be intimidating to men, yet she has no real grip of who she really is. She is scared of the future, yet wants it to come so badly. She wants to really be confident, but doesn't know where to begin. This girl who likes to start trends and wear Cosby-like sweaters. A girl who absolutely loves Prince and knows almost everything there is to know about The Beatles. She can sing in her car like a rockstar, but talk like a high school mathlete nerd on the phone. A woman who really wants to truly fall in love with Jesus. A girl who loves sleeping with the family poodle and hates asparagus. A girl who takes a while to get out of her shell and is so terrified that people will lose interest because it's taking her so long to warm up. A woman who absolutely loves the idea of living overseas forever but doesn't know where God wants her. A girl who finally enjoys wearing dresses now as a 22 year old, but threw temper tantrums as a 7 year old if her mother made her even think of putting one on. A woman who writes things out much better than she could ever say them over the phone or in person. A girl who stutters when she talks sometimes, but can sing like an angel. I can say that because I need to be confident. I need to know who I am. I need to know that I am beautiful and valuable. Just because some lame guy doesn't think the world of me doesn't mean that I am not amazing. I am wonderful. I am gorgeous. I am attractive. I am funny. I am witty. I am compassionate. I am loving. I shouldn't always need other people to tell me these things. I should be able to stand up by myself. I mean, I always have my Father with me. He's always there to help. It certainly doesn't hurt to have people re-affirm these characteristics. I believe those are the first steps to becoming who you are in Christ. He is my identity. He is my sought after personality. He is my strength and my hope and my everything. If I just knew Him better I would know myself better. I heard once that Jesus went into the wilderness a little unknown of who He was and came out with an identity. He needed that wilderness walk to confirm that He was the son of God. Not that He ever doubted God or anything, but he was 100% human...and I'm sure 100% of humans aren't sure of who they are at one point in their life. I thank the Lord this wilderness is almost over, but I am crying out to Him as well to show me my identity. To bring me into who I really am with Him. For Him. In Him. By Him. I am His, but who am I?