Purlpe Haze, Galang galang galanga

I love my soul-mate. She is so amazing, beautiful, witty, and fun. Oh manzo. I love the city of New Orleans. I feel like I could live here and ride my bike around everywhere I needed to go. I'd be a sweaty pig all the time, but it would be worth it! I could be so cute and strong and I feel like my music would flourish in a place like this. This place is full of music everywhere you go. I feel like I love life more here. Mostly cause I'm with my soul-mate.

I think Australia and New Zealand are stuck in a time in the past. Not too far in the past, but just maybe 6 months or a year in the past.

Somewhere over the rainbow

Today is my rainbow. Tomorrow I will be over the rainbow and in New Orleans! I hope that when I return from the South I will be well rested and my heart will have been softened. I want my final seven days with my kids to count! I want to have fun and show them love.

I hate the world's view of how our lives should play out. We go to school, High School, College/University, get a career, retire, and live the last few years of our lives doing what we want finally. What's so wrong with doing that backwards? Why is it inconceivable to not go to College? Why is it so unfathomable to not have a "plan" or a career path? I am not worried about my life and where it's going. Why should I be? Because you tell me to? This society; our culture is stuck. Stuck in the mindset of our parents, the baby boomers. I am perfectly okay with going against the grain.

I have one day with these kids this week, today, and I'm ready to go home. It's only noon. I still have about five more hours with them and I've already had four. Lordy, Lord, please make today go by fast.

Michael Phelps is ridiculous. He is one year older than me and has already won like 8 gold medals. They showed a typical day in the life of Michael the other day and he wakes up then swims for at least five hours, eats, sleeps, wakes up, swims. He has to eat between 8,000 and 10,000 calories a day! Michael Phelps is ridiculous. I want to be like him.

I can't help but dislike disney stars. They get everything handed to them on a silver platter, but they always turn into D-bags. I had a dream the other night that I was one of the Cheetah Girls and we were doing a tour with the Jonas Brothers. One of the Cheetah Girls hated me, I don't know why, but I remember trying to act cool around the Jonas Brothers, not because I liked them, but because I wanted them to like me. Oh man. I'm such a dork even in my dreams!

I don't care what you think about love

I am such a dork. I have decided not to even bother. I am not going to try. I don't care what you think, I'll just sit here. Sometimes I hate my life and the way I think and act and talk. Ha ha. I pretty much hate myself most of the time. Right now I just find myself hilarious. I put my whole being into things when I should only be giving small parts of me to certain things. It's like an all or nothing deal with my head, heart, and life. More often than not it's "all". Ay Carumba. I just want to write new songs. I guess I haven't sat down to try for awhile, but I hate writing them always about me or writing them always about boys I have crushes on for like 3 weeks. They're pointless.

Today no plans have been made. I think I'll go buy some guitar strings, maybe go swimming, and just chill out. Clean the living room. Hopefully eat something.

Will you feel better, better, better? Will you feel anything at all?

Life is the funniest thing. I mean you meet people that you had some sort of relationship with them or their family years and years ago. A lot of old flames have ignited these past two weeks. New flames too, but the new ones were quickly blown out. The old ones however, are going strong. My heart breaks for people who break up and who truly loved one another. My heart does not break for people who break up and who were manipulative and dis-respectful to their partner's family.

A lot of thoughts are running through my mind today. I have nothing to do so far, so my brain is running on crazy. I cannot stop it! What can I do to silence my thoughts? I better play the guitar later. That will help. It always does. I don't know what I'm going to do in India when I don't have my guitar. My brain might explode and all of God's truths will ooze out all over the floor of my room.

Music is one of the greatest things ever created. I don't know how I would live without it. I wish I could play the piano. I think life would be better for me if I did. Just one of 700 things I want to change or do.

I'm on a roll, I want the whole enchilada, I'm on a roll, from the thrift store to prada

I really am on a roll! I can't stop thinking. Sometimes I believe my thinking gets the best of me. I hate that I fall in love so easily. It's not even love. It's like as soon as a man pays attention to me I go crazy! I can't stop thinking about it so now when I see this person next I'm going to make an absolute fool out of myself because I've been thinking about him all effing week long! Oh Lord, I know this is happening before I go to India for some stupid reason. It'll be nice to get away from this country for awhile. I totally and fully believe we need to start changing the United States, our home, before we go out "into all the world" and I'm not going to India for anything other than studying. I want to come back with a passion for this country and a love for our own people. I don't want to hate this country. I don't want to feel like it's a waste of time. I want to be a pioneer in America. That might be harder to do here than a different place, but that's why it needs to happen. I went to New Zealand because it was going to be hard. I went to Vanuatu because I knew it would be the most challenging place to live. I am going to India because I'm terrified of it. I feel comfortable here, but I know that once I start becoming uncomfortable here it will begin the most uncomfortable time of my life!

Sometimes I don't want to fall asleep because I know what I'm going to dream about. Last night was one of those times. I must stop feeding the fire.

I just cannot wait no more, no more, this is our fate, I'm yours

Oh man. I think that life is really funny! Let me tell those of you that actually read this a story. When I was pretty young, we're talking 11 or 12 years of age I hung out with my cousin Mikey a lot. We talked every day on the phone and I did a lot of things with his family. He had this friend. A very good looking friend I thought at the time, but I think Mikey ended up telling his friend that I had a crush on him. Much to my surprise and horror, Mikey's friend wanted to have nothing to do with me and said I was ugly. Harsh words for a 11 year old girl to hear! Every time Mikey brings up this person I think of how foorish I was and naive to have liked some jerk-ass boy just because I thought he was cute.

Today was Tuesday, Trashy Tuesday as us McCollor cousins like to call it. This time, our third...maybe fourth Trashy Tuesday Mikey invites some friends. He told me that the boy I used to think was so cute back in the day was coming, and I'm thinking, "how embarrassing, if he remembers who I am! I'm done for" I didn't know what to expect, so I had a beer. By the time he got there with his other friend I was in for quite the treat! They pretend to be these made up people sometimes, and it's actually the funniest thing I've seen in a while. So, they take their masks off and finally introduce themselves, and they're both really awesome guys! Even the one who had rejected me so early on in life! After we hang out for awhile they decide it would be best for them to leave. I did not want them to leave. I liked being around them. They were silly, and I like silly. They also were not high, so that was a huge plus as well. After they left Mikey's friend of old contacted Mikey and told him that I was cute! His cousin Sarah was cute.

Of all people in my life I never thought he'd be one I'd ever, ever see again, and it's funny now because he actually thinks I'm cute this time, and after seeing him now I didn't think he was all that cute. Oh man, funny how life does these twists and turns. For real. I will see him again on Saturday, though it's not him I'm excited to see again. Golly, why can't Jesus lovin' guys be attracted to me? I always pull in the "bad boys" the guys with one thing on their mind. You know the type.

What's so wrong with making out with someone you hardly know anyway?

They build buildings so, they build buildings so, they build buildings so tall these days

Today was a good day. Let me just start off by saying that. Mostly it was a good night. I was able to see The Dark Knight again (I keep wanting to write "Night" instead of "Knight") with my bro Justin. I think he liked it. He didn't talk much about it afterward, but perhaps he thought about how amazing it was. He is only 13 years of age though, just barely old enough to enjoy anything more complicated than legos and pizza rolls. He is a funny kid, I'll give him that. He's beginning to get influenced by the world and that scares me a little bit. I can imagine it being hard since his only friends are school friends and none of them are good influences. He just goes with the flow even though he won't admit it.

I was very excited that I got to see an old friend, and by old, I mean incredibly old friend tonight. It's probably been about 5 or 6 years since I saw them last, but a few more than that since we talked. It couldn't have been a deep conversation either because it was when we were 11 or 12. Funny, I know. Needless to say, it was really good to see this person and I am sad we only talked for a few short minutes and they leave tomorrow only to be gone for another 14 to 18 months.

It was good to spend time with a new, old friend. I say new because we've known each other for a little less than a year, and I say old because they already feel like those old friends you have that you go to first with things. Not that I go to this person first, but he's one of the first in my mind when I need help or need prayer or have encouragement or even just simply want to hang out with! I got to help him out this evening and I thought it only fitting since he helped me out so much when my family was moving. He's one of those "lifers" you know? Well, he'll be a "lifer" until he gets married, then who knows what'll happen, but I know we'll be good friends until then. I say "he" like he's going to get married first, and it's probably true.

I fall in and out of love so easily I wonder if it ever was love in the first place.

God, I don't want to fall in love in India. I don't want to fall in love with a man there. I want to fall in love with You there, but not a human man. Not for me. I want to focus on You and your words. I want to fall in love with that country and the people of that country and their culture, but not a specific man.

Can you imagine if I hadn't broken up with that boy in sixth grade shortly after we started "going out"? what my life would be like now. I'm not saying we would have been together since then, but what if it were longer? I think my first relationship was a mini-version of all my future relationships. Short. To the point. Almost pointless. I say almost, because there was one I feel was not pointless at all. I really did love this one, at least I think I did. Not the sixth grade one. Anyway, I never really knew any of my boyfriends very well before they took on that roll in my life. I think that is why they never lasted.

Sometimes I wonder why I don't have a boyfriend right now, but I know the answer to that. I am not ready. I am not myself yet. I still don't know what it truly means to be confident. I fall in like way too easily. I don't think I'm good enough most of the time. I stumble over my words a lot. I am quiet a lot of the time. I have sweaty hands and I bite my fingernails. Shall I go on? I do, however, know that I am valuable, beautiful, and worth peoples' time most of the time.

I had a good night. I'm going to bed with a smile on my face. I hope to wake up with it still sitting there and I pray it sticks with me all day at work.