Help
I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today and the worst part is there's no one else to blame
Be my friend
Hold me
Wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up and breathe me
Ouch
I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found
Yeah
I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe
Be my friend
Hold me
Wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up and breathe me
Be my friend
Hold me
Wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up and breathe me
November 28, 2008
November 11, 2008
I won't worry my life away, I won't worry this life away
My spirit is groaning. My head is moaning.
My body is bending. My heart is mending.
My feet are curling. My hips are twirling.
My senses are smiling. My stomach is crying.
My life is turning. My emotions are burning.
I long to write a song.
I have studied 11 books so far!
Why haven't I written a song?
It is okay though, I don't need to write a song.
I think I would only do it for myself.
That needs to change before I can write.
I keep forgetting that God waits for me to wake up in the morning.
I wake up and don't notice him sitting there next to my bed.
I find it more important to get rid of my morning breath than acknowledge him.
It is hard to fast in India.
It is easy to fast from the food on campus, but hard to fast from eating snacks.
Especially Wheat Things and Dark Chocolate.
I saw the chocolate doughnut at Coffee Day yesterday and even though I had already eaten it and did not approve, it still looked good. I would have ordered it again hoping it would have been different.
It would not have been different.
Who knows how long those things sit in there.
I know the Chocolate Fantasy is good just like I know the Tropical Iceberg is good.
That is my drink of choice.
Tropical iceberg.
An oxymoron.
There's also nothing tropical about it.
It's just like a mocha frappuccino.
How can I conceal what is in my heart?
For so long I have allowed it to sit out on my arm letting all see and know what mood it is in.
I must conceal my heart this time.
Its feelings are pointless most of the time.
Although sometimes I wonder if it is hurtful to deny my heart its feelings and emotions.
Won't it only hurt in the long run if I bottle these things up inside me?
What right do I have to let them out anyway.
I don't know very much about someone before I fall in love.
I wish I could wait.
I can never wait.
For me it is always love at first sight.
Never love at wait a few months down the road and see how you feel.
For me relationships are like new albums.
You have all this bands previous albums and so the built up anticipation for this album is killing you!
You love it before you have even listened to it!
The new single off of it is so thrilling and amazing and beautiful!
So, the day the album finally comes out you frantically purchase it and bring it home.
You put it in a CD player, or on your laptop, and listen to it.
You immediately like the first song, maybe second, then the single which you already know is good.
As you continue listening to it you realize that it isn't all that it was cracked up to be.
You think, "maybe if I keep listening to it it will grow on me!"
Three days later you forgot about it and would rather listen to anything but that.
That is how my mind and heart work with men.
My body is bending. My heart is mending.
My feet are curling. My hips are twirling.
My senses are smiling. My stomach is crying.
My life is turning. My emotions are burning.
I long to write a song.
I have studied 11 books so far!
Why haven't I written a song?
It is okay though, I don't need to write a song.
I think I would only do it for myself.
That needs to change before I can write.
I keep forgetting that God waits for me to wake up in the morning.
I wake up and don't notice him sitting there next to my bed.
I find it more important to get rid of my morning breath than acknowledge him.
It is hard to fast in India.
It is easy to fast from the food on campus, but hard to fast from eating snacks.
Especially Wheat Things and Dark Chocolate.
I saw the chocolate doughnut at Coffee Day yesterday and even though I had already eaten it and did not approve, it still looked good. I would have ordered it again hoping it would have been different.
It would not have been different.
Who knows how long those things sit in there.
I know the Chocolate Fantasy is good just like I know the Tropical Iceberg is good.
That is my drink of choice.
Tropical iceberg.
An oxymoron.
There's also nothing tropical about it.
It's just like a mocha frappuccino.
How can I conceal what is in my heart?
For so long I have allowed it to sit out on my arm letting all see and know what mood it is in.
I must conceal my heart this time.
Its feelings are pointless most of the time.
Although sometimes I wonder if it is hurtful to deny my heart its feelings and emotions.
Won't it only hurt in the long run if I bottle these things up inside me?
What right do I have to let them out anyway.
I don't know very much about someone before I fall in love.
I wish I could wait.
I can never wait.
For me it is always love at first sight.
Never love at wait a few months down the road and see how you feel.
For me relationships are like new albums.
You have all this bands previous albums and so the built up anticipation for this album is killing you!
You love it before you have even listened to it!
The new single off of it is so thrilling and amazing and beautiful!
So, the day the album finally comes out you frantically purchase it and bring it home.
You put it in a CD player, or on your laptop, and listen to it.
You immediately like the first song, maybe second, then the single which you already know is good.
As you continue listening to it you realize that it isn't all that it was cracked up to be.
You think, "maybe if I keep listening to it it will grow on me!"
Three days later you forgot about it and would rather listen to anything but that.
That is how my mind and heart work with men.
November 1, 2008
Hey Guys! It's Christmas time!
We can walk out after dark
Because it's Christmas time
Colored lights glow from the park
Because it's Christmas time
And the bells on the reindeer sled say
It's Christmas time
And the quilts on the back of the bed say
It's Christmas time
I think about how we could run away
Now that it's Christmas time
We travel in a one-horse open sleigh
Now that it's Christmas time
There's your father with his pipe
He says it's Christmas time
He might let us stay up all night
Because it's Christmas time
I might wish you all the best
Because it's Christmas time
I might kiss you on the back of your neck
Because it's Christmas time
I think about how we could run away
Now that it's Christmas time
We travel in a one-horse open sleigh
Now that it's Christmas time
Because it's Christmas time
Colored lights glow from the park
Because it's Christmas time
And the bells on the reindeer sled say
It's Christmas time
And the quilts on the back of the bed say
It's Christmas time
I think about how we could run away
Now that it's Christmas time
We travel in a one-horse open sleigh
Now that it's Christmas time
There's your father with his pipe
He says it's Christmas time
He might let us stay up all night
Because it's Christmas time
I might wish you all the best
Because it's Christmas time
I might kiss you on the back of your neck
Because it's Christmas time
I think about how we could run away
Now that it's Christmas time
We travel in a one-horse open sleigh
Now that it's Christmas time
September 13, 2008
Come into my world I've got to show, show, show you, Come into my bed I've got to know, know, know you
This weekend is my final time playing music at The Crossing at Woodland Fellowship (I refuse to call it anything else). The band for Sunday morning is pretty sweet. I mean, if you were a girl like me you'd want to date everyone in the band. There's a new boy I've never met playing bass, and he's beautiful. There's the usual Sunday morning guy who looks like he'd be my type, there's also a guitarist who is pretty cute too and once again my type, lastly there's the drummer, who is the only one I'd ever consider dating but is too young to play that game. Funny how the only one of all the attractive men I'm playing music with I actually have a slight crush on is 17 years old.
Sometimes I think something is wrong with me. Perhaps I am a Cougar after all.
It's been awhile since I wrote in here. Not too terribly long, but long enough. You'd think I'd have tons of stuff to write about, but I do not. Nothing exciting is happening in my life right now except for the fact that I'm leaving in TWELVE DAYS TO MOVE TO INDIA. That's a little big, but I'm trying not to look at it. I'm trying to live every moment present. Present in the moment. I'm afraid I might burn out before I leave trying to make plans with everyone, and I feel like I'm hanging out with some people more than others and there are already people I have said my final good-bye to. I can't handle this. I'm ready to check out, but that's not what I really want. But it is hard to believe I leave not this Thursday, but next Thursday. Too soon! Too soon!
There are only two famous people I want to meet before I die. They are the only two people I would actually be disappointed with my life if I didn't meet them. One is Sufjan Stevens. He is a musical genius and I would love to just shake his hand. That's all I need. Jason Mraz on the other hand I want to sing one song with him. That is all.
I was going to try to take a nap today, but I believe it won't happen. Unless I fall asleep immediately. Then I'd get a decent nap out of today. I might try actually.
I miss my soul-mate and regret not calling her once more before she left. She truly is the most beautiful person on this earth to me.
Sometimes I think something is wrong with me. Perhaps I am a Cougar after all.
It's been awhile since I wrote in here. Not too terribly long, but long enough. You'd think I'd have tons of stuff to write about, but I do not. Nothing exciting is happening in my life right now except for the fact that I'm leaving in TWELVE DAYS TO MOVE TO INDIA. That's a little big, but I'm trying not to look at it. I'm trying to live every moment present. Present in the moment. I'm afraid I might burn out before I leave trying to make plans with everyone, and I feel like I'm hanging out with some people more than others and there are already people I have said my final good-bye to. I can't handle this. I'm ready to check out, but that's not what I really want. But it is hard to believe I leave not this Thursday, but next Thursday. Too soon! Too soon!
There are only two famous people I want to meet before I die. They are the only two people I would actually be disappointed with my life if I didn't meet them. One is Sufjan Stevens. He is a musical genius and I would love to just shake his hand. That's all I need. Jason Mraz on the other hand I want to sing one song with him. That is all.
I was going to try to take a nap today, but I believe it won't happen. Unless I fall asleep immediately. Then I'd get a decent nap out of today. I might try actually.
I miss my soul-mate and regret not calling her once more before she left. She truly is the most beautiful person on this earth to me.
September 6, 2008
Nobody raise your voices
Dear Mom and Dad,
I love you. I am writing this because I love you.
I have to hold back tears every time I come home and the house smells like smoke. I am ready to leave the house when I am sitting in my bedroom and get a whiff of cigarette smoke. I am not going to lecture you on the ill effects of smoking because I know you know what you are doing to your body, but perhaps you don't think about what it does to your family. Your children don't even want to be around when you are smoking. We complain to each other about how the house smells like smoke because you don't want to smoke outside. We don't like it and I don't think I should have to breathe in toxic air because of your bad habit. I know it's hard to quit. I understand that it's an addiction. I just don't understand how you don't even try. You say you will, you will quit, you want to quit, but it doesn't happen, and one time when it did you started again. WHY?!?? What drove you to do it again? I don't get it! You are poisoning me and my brothers and your mother! But most importantly you are poisoning your own body! Your temple holding the King of Kings and His Holy Spirit. You are treating like crap the beautiful vessel God has created for you. Haven't you seen your own dad? Haven't you seen how hard it is for him to walk across the room? Do you want to become like him physically? Not able to care for his own wife because he's been smoking his entire life! My heart breaks for you. My heart breaks for my grandparents. My heart just plain breaks. I am tired of coming home having to breathe in second hand smoke because you cannot control your addiction. I do not want to say "I told you so" when you're a few years older and using an oxygen tank.
Mom, I remember a year or so ago you told me you wanted to run a marathon in two years. What happened to that ambition? I challenge you to stop smoking while I am in India. You have nine months, and if you do I will train with you and we'll run a marathon in 2010!
Dad, It seems like such a selfish thing to do, smoke all the time. Have you ever figured out how much money you spend a year on cigarettes? I know money is tight. It would help financially, physically, and spiritually. Everything would be a little better, a little cleaner! I challenge you to stop smoking while I am in India. You have nine months, and if you do I will go to the cabin with you every weekend and shoot guns with you!
There is nothing I want more on this earth right now than for my parents to stop smoking. I am ready to live somewhere else. I am ready to make them piss mad at me for bringing it up a million times. If they know how horrible it is then why put themselves through the torture and their own children! I know people who have lung cancer or throat cancer because of cigarettes and they're younger than my parents, but started around the same age. I can't imagine what my parent's lungs look like. I don't even want to know. Ignorance is not bliss in this situation. My parents could be 5 months away from cancer, or 5 days away! Life is short. Don't waste it doing stupid things.
I love you. I am writing this because I love you.
I have to hold back tears every time I come home and the house smells like smoke. I am ready to leave the house when I am sitting in my bedroom and get a whiff of cigarette smoke. I am not going to lecture you on the ill effects of smoking because I know you know what you are doing to your body, but perhaps you don't think about what it does to your family. Your children don't even want to be around when you are smoking. We complain to each other about how the house smells like smoke because you don't want to smoke outside. We don't like it and I don't think I should have to breathe in toxic air because of your bad habit. I know it's hard to quit. I understand that it's an addiction. I just don't understand how you don't even try. You say you will, you will quit, you want to quit, but it doesn't happen, and one time when it did you started again. WHY?!?? What drove you to do it again? I don't get it! You are poisoning me and my brothers and your mother! But most importantly you are poisoning your own body! Your temple holding the King of Kings and His Holy Spirit. You are treating like crap the beautiful vessel God has created for you. Haven't you seen your own dad? Haven't you seen how hard it is for him to walk across the room? Do you want to become like him physically? Not able to care for his own wife because he's been smoking his entire life! My heart breaks for you. My heart breaks for my grandparents. My heart just plain breaks. I am tired of coming home having to breathe in second hand smoke because you cannot control your addiction. I do not want to say "I told you so" when you're a few years older and using an oxygen tank.
Mom, I remember a year or so ago you told me you wanted to run a marathon in two years. What happened to that ambition? I challenge you to stop smoking while I am in India. You have nine months, and if you do I will train with you and we'll run a marathon in 2010!
Dad, It seems like such a selfish thing to do, smoke all the time. Have you ever figured out how much money you spend a year on cigarettes? I know money is tight. It would help financially, physically, and spiritually. Everything would be a little better, a little cleaner! I challenge you to stop smoking while I am in India. You have nine months, and if you do I will go to the cabin with you every weekend and shoot guns with you!
There is nothing I want more on this earth right now than for my parents to stop smoking. I am ready to live somewhere else. I am ready to make them piss mad at me for bringing it up a million times. If they know how horrible it is then why put themselves through the torture and their own children! I know people who have lung cancer or throat cancer because of cigarettes and they're younger than my parents, but started around the same age. I can't imagine what my parent's lungs look like. I don't even want to know. Ignorance is not bliss in this situation. My parents could be 5 months away from cancer, or 5 days away! Life is short. Don't waste it doing stupid things.
September 2, 2008
No one's ever gonna love you more than I do
This past weekend I assumed I would sell most of my CDs. That didn't happen. I only sold 13. It is better than nothing, but it still upset me a little. I need to stop holding high expectations for everything. Wouldn't it be great if we could have high expectations for everything and still get blown out of the water all the time! They say to have low expectations then you can't possibly be disappointed, but what if we always had high ones and were never disappointed? That is what happens with God I think. We have such high expectations for human beings, but with God for some reason we have low expectations. Just because He doesn't do something immediately we assume He's never going to do it, or answer our prayers. We must be persistent. He needs to know our prayers aren't just whims like when my kids used to watch TV and a commercial would come on about any toy they'd all say they want it, but they'd forget about it the next hour. That is exactly how I am with God most of the time. I pray for whims. I mean, at the time they sound good to me, but I forget that I even prayed about it by the end of the day. Things I've been persistent about in prayer are finances, eternity (what it's going to be like), India (i'm terrified), and I don't know what else actually.
Today I got a phone call from the church I sold 13 CDs at this past weekend and someone at that church randomly wrote a check for me and put it in the offering! Not just a little sum of money either! So, it pays to be persistent. God really does have the biggest wallet ever and is free to give money to whomever he chooses, however he chooses. I think it's a confirmation. God is saying "Even though you're not working this month I can still provide you with your weekly salary. Don't worry about a thing. I got this and I love you."
Sometimes I think God is too good to me. I know I don't deserve anything, and even today I was going to fast, but when I woke up I thought, "I could start tomorrow" even though I don't even feel hungry! Here's what I think I'll do. I won't eat out cause I have no money to spare, unless someone feels generous enough to pay for me. Then I'll eat or drink or whatever. But for the next 23 days I'm not paying for anything. Period.
I love sneezing, but I have sneezed around 234 times in the last two days. I'm ready to kill myself. Could someone die of sneezing too much? Maybe.
Peaches is having a dream right next to me. Perhaps she's chasing a squirrel or rabbit somewhere. Maybe my Mom has come home and she's excited to see her. I wonder what dogs could possibly dream about. I dream about crazy intricate things that don't ever make sense once I wake up, but seem so real when I'm asleep. She dreams about bacon and small furry animals. What a life.
Today I got a phone call from the church I sold 13 CDs at this past weekend and someone at that church randomly wrote a check for me and put it in the offering! Not just a little sum of money either! So, it pays to be persistent. God really does have the biggest wallet ever and is free to give money to whomever he chooses, however he chooses. I think it's a confirmation. God is saying "Even though you're not working this month I can still provide you with your weekly salary. Don't worry about a thing. I got this and I love you."
Sometimes I think God is too good to me. I know I don't deserve anything, and even today I was going to fast, but when I woke up I thought, "I could start tomorrow" even though I don't even feel hungry! Here's what I think I'll do. I won't eat out cause I have no money to spare, unless someone feels generous enough to pay for me. Then I'll eat or drink or whatever. But for the next 23 days I'm not paying for anything. Period.
I love sneezing, but I have sneezed around 234 times in the last two days. I'm ready to kill myself. Could someone die of sneezing too much? Maybe.
Peaches is having a dream right next to me. Perhaps she's chasing a squirrel or rabbit somewhere. Maybe my Mom has come home and she's excited to see her. I wonder what dogs could possibly dream about. I dream about crazy intricate things that don't ever make sense once I wake up, but seem so real when I'm asleep. She dreams about bacon and small furry animals. What a life.
August 28, 2008
All I want is to be your housewife
An old friend is in town. I missed him. I love him. He is a great friend. One of few I always feel I can count on no matter where he and I live.
I feel incredibly overlooked by few people in my life, but the most important people in my life.
I also realized, which is somewhat related, that my friends that I have grown so close to within the last year are perhaps drifting away. It is partially my fault, but upon a few moving in two doors down from the others I feel as if I am not apart of what I once was. Of course they are going to be closer and more apt to talk to someone two doors down than wait for someone to drive 15-20 minutes there or vice versa. Why drive when you can walk? I know that they aren't doing anything purposefully. They just probably haven't even thought how it might push someone away or hurt them. At the beginning of this we were all warned about getting hurt, cause we would eventually get hurt by someone or some people in this group, I just didn't expect it before I left or at all. I think everyone is perfect until they prove me otherwise. It's a hard life to live. For realz.
I feel incredibly overlooked by few people in my life, but the most important people in my life.
I also realized, which is somewhat related, that my friends that I have grown so close to within the last year are perhaps drifting away. It is partially my fault, but upon a few moving in two doors down from the others I feel as if I am not apart of what I once was. Of course they are going to be closer and more apt to talk to someone two doors down than wait for someone to drive 15-20 minutes there or vice versa. Why drive when you can walk? I know that they aren't doing anything purposefully. They just probably haven't even thought how it might push someone away or hurt them. At the beginning of this we were all warned about getting hurt, cause we would eventually get hurt by someone or some people in this group, I just didn't expect it before I left or at all. I think everyone is perfect until they prove me otherwise. It's a hard life to live. For realz.
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